Did you make it through the holidays, Thrillerati?
Whew! Yeah! It is OoooOOOooover! Yeah! I love Christmas, but not as much as I love when Christmas is 363 days away! I have nothing to complain about, though. We had a lovely holiday (because I work my ass off to MAKE it frickin' lovely...). I think I am FINALLY getting good at this.
I saw a photo on Facebook of three girls that I went to high school with, smiling, arm in arm, each expecting their first child. It is beautiful, God bless each of these gorgeous women. You know what I'm thinking? Fuck! 36, first kid? I am sixteen years IN, man! I'm in the home stretch! I was 22, trying to cook, clean, shop, wrap, and be Santie Claus, and doing such a terrible job! They were like, I don't know what were they doing, buying sweatpants with words on the ass? I'm not trying to be insulting. I honestly don't know what other 22 year olds were doing. I'm ignorant to that because I had my, uh, hands full. My classmates' kids are going to come into the world to parents who are...organized. I had an epiphany. I NEVER REALIZED HOW DIFFICULT IT WAS BEING A YOUNG MOTHER UNTIL I SAW MY PREGNANT 36 YEAR OLD CLASSMATES. Up until this week, I never thought being a young mother was that hard.
Not until now, when I own a house, when I have a ten year old relationship, when I have health insurance, when I have...I don't know...a spatula, do I realize all that I lacked, do I realize how different it would be if I were just starting NOW. I literally never knew the difference. Thank God.
Not until now, do I feel a huge gap between myself and my classmates, because they are only starting their families, and my teenagers are dating, learning to drive, and thinking about colleges. All those years without parental responsibility that they have behind them...I'm going to have in front of me. What happens to the young mom with grown kids? I can't even think of a representation of a young mom with grown kids, in a book, in a movie, on TV? No, I've got one: Eminem's mom in Eight Mile. In the TV show, Gilmore Girls, Lorelei's story was over once Rory was done with college. What happens to these women who are as experienced as a grandmother, but still under forty? What happens to me?
It seems scary. I don't know how to be an adult without being responsible for small people. I don't know how to put myself first. I don't know how to be devoted to a career. I don't know how to be care-free...ever.
As scared as my friends might be to become parents, I am just as scared to join into a new life as a parent of independent children. I've spent all this time trying to be an incredible mother, a cook, a tutor, a household manager, a therapist, a spiritual leader...and poof...my job is going to be obsolete. I know, I'll always be needed, but, for the past 16 years, every breath I have taken has been for the betterment of my children. Now I have to learn to breath for myself.
Love and Light,
Your friend,
Hil
