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| Self Portrait, 37th Birthday
Well, I'm 37. It never occurred to me that I would ever be 37. I don't even know what 37 means, like I have a daydream of what 16, or 45, or 70 can be. I have tested out being 37 for one day, and so far, it has been good. It is a lot like 36, only older. The main thing that is going on with me, at age 37, is the birth of an individual identity, separate from being a mother. For 16 years, I have operated like an octopus, arms of consciousness reaching out into different, small bodies...thinking for and about others all the time, taking care of others as if they are a physical part of me. That life as a chain of people, instead of an individual, is breaking down as I, heart-breakingly, let my girls be their own people.
I remember bringing home my darling baby from the hospital, laying her on my bed in my one bedroom Los Angeles apartment, and it totally blowing my mind that every morning, from that day forward, I would be picking out TWO outfits. On that day, and every day, it would be what are WE wearing. Even though the baby was outside my body, she was still an extension of myself.
Tomorrow, Nevie's school vacation is over and I've got to drive her back. Her whole vacation at home has been a cyclone of I AM NOT YOU! Alright, then. I'm trying to react in a mature, fully non-personal, "this-is-a-developmental-stage-and-I-am-totally-fine-with-it"attitude. I'm failing. You were fine with being a part of me when I wiped your ass four times a day, but now, NOW, you want to hate my house, my rules, my food, my clothes, the sound of my voice, and my breathing? Ok, we are separate individuals. Wipe your own ass. I want to wave my magic wand and say,"I ALLOW YOU TO BE YOUR OWN INDIVIDUAL! I ALLOW YOU TO MAKE YOUR OWN DECISIONS! THERE IS NOTHING FOR YOU TO RESIST! YOU HAVE WON YOUR OWN LITTLE REVOLUTION! Poof!" Apparently, it ain't gonna go easy.
As my children are individuating, I must do the same. It isn't what are "we" doing, it is more what am "I" doing. It became very clear to me when I started to plan my birthday, I thought we might all enjoy going somewhere and doing something together...going to a trampoline park. Great for teens. Fun for me. Fun for Bob. Great memories. Then, I realized no one really wants to do things together. No one wants to be together. When we are all together, everyone is pulling apart like the petals of an opening flower...we all must pull apart, and we can't stop it from happening. I've been trying to stop it from happening, being a cheerleader, being the cruise entertainment director, singing and dancing and hopping on one foot...a waste of energy. So, we didn't go.
It hurts my heart a lot, but it is a force of nature. And, uncomfortably, it is going to force me to look at myself. I'm going to have to live for me. I'm going to have to do what I want to do.
And today I wanted to take a selfie in the bathtub.
So?
Love and light,
Your friend,
Hil
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Sunday, January 8, 2017
Poof!
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Believe it or not, this won't be the last word. The irony is that as the girls grow older, they'll gravitate back to you. However, it will be as young women. They will have grown and become different. When they get into their 20's, they'll discover that you can be an amazing friend and confidante. The boundaries and depths may vary, but in general you'll find everything becomes deeper and richer with time.
ReplyDeleteIt won't happen overnight, but it will happen. In the meantime, by all means do the things you want to do. In fact, I'd make it a point to decree something you specifically want to do for yourself. You might find that your daughters can become your cheerleaders NOW. Their decrees of freedom are your own release from responsibility. What's more, you may discover that you're even more awesome than you can remember.
So beautifully said. It is a rough transition, but it has to happen.
DeleteWhat LeiLani said is perfect. Happy Birthday, dearheart. Fab portrait. ~LA
ReplyDeleteThank you, my dear friend.
DeleteSammi and I are butting heads in ways and for lengths of time I never would have thought possible. I know she's separating/individuating, but I wish it didn't have to be such an unhappy process. In fact, I don't believe it HAS to be... I just have to figure out my part of making it more peaceful.
ReplyDelete