This morning we had a pancake breakfast fundraiser for the marching band, which is excruciating. I had to get up in the cold dark of 5 am to have Sequoia there by 6 am, wait around until ten to drive back to the school, pay twenty dollars to sit in the high school cafeteria watching other people have pancakes...and act like I love it. Bob and my father in law came to eat, too. My father-in-law, with whom I seriously cannot hold a five minute conversation, plus bad food served in bad ambiance...yay!
Have you ever noticed that men, in these kind of awkward situations, never try to tell a joke or engage you in conversation? They always wait for the women to make the best of it, wait for the women to make sure everyone has what they need, wait for the women to smile and make eye contact...I'm kind of sick of that. I'm kind of sick of being everyone else's cheerleader, while doing most of the work, and all of the planning. I would like the man to say to the woman,"Hey, I know this really isn't your thing, but it means a lot that you showed up, honey. Oh, look, they have coffee! That should make it better!" Sometimes, I would like to be the one who slinks in, silent, expending as little energy as possible and not at all looking for where I might contribute. I would like to be the one not expected to drive, make a sign, know what time things start and end,remember all of her friends' names and relevant details, bring a baked good, and organize the carpool. Just sayin'.
According to Sequoia, I have not contributed enough to the needs of the marching band, and she is livid about it. She isn't livid that Bob has not contributed enough to the needs of the marching band, only me, because this is what is expected of mothers-not-fathers. It isn't just marching band, it is many areas of life where I am expected to put in level 10 energy because others are putting in level 3 energy. "Darling, I do think that skirt is just lovely on you! Have you given consideration to the fact that it is 20 degrees out? You don't have stockings? I didn't buy you any, even when you TOLD me you needed them? And you CAN'T wear pants? Well, hey...how about your black leggings? Yes! That would really fix it! I'm so glad YOU thought of it! Have a wonderful day!" Let me just bend over backwards and sing yankee doodle so that you don't freeze to death.
Why the fuck am I doing this? I have got to stop. Men don't feel guilty about these things. Show me the man who felt BAD because he didn't bring a baked good. To anything. Ever.
Women are supposed to be accommodating. I thought about this while I was receiving the silent treatment all the way to boarding school. When it was time to unload, didn't I just jump right up, grab bags and start hauling, again putting in the Level 10 energy while dealing with a Level 3? WHY? I have really got to stop.
I have been thinking,"If I model a positive attitude, hard work and kindness, it will be reflected back to me because of my example." This is proving to be incorrect. It seems more like,"If I model a positive attitude, hard work and kindness, other people will enjoy the benefit of my positive attitude, hard work and kindness."
I'm going to stay within a two point ratio. If you are at a Level 3 energy, I am bringing no more than Level 5. And I mean it.
Love and Light,
Your friend.
The Total Doormat
Here's the best possible way to break yourself of the habit of overextending yourself.
ReplyDeleteYou are your girls' role model - even if they don't acknowledge it. Would you want them to grow up expecting to be the world's slave? No? Then why would you teach them that by example? Your daughters might complain about it now, but you have a right AND a responsibility to tell them that everyone has the right to say no. You're not even obligated to give a reason, though since it's for your family, I probably would. It shouldn't be an argument and if someone tries to turn the situation into an argument, you can and should decline to participate in that, too. Another score for just saying no!
Your reason to the family is the simple truth: you realized that by taking on so much that it impacts your health and attitude, you're doing no one any favors.
Your family will probably be aghast initially, but sooner or later they'll get over it. In the long run, your girls will thank you for it.
Oh, and by the way. Setting reasonable limits does NOT mean you aren't supporting your girls. Far from it. You can still attend the functions when you're able, and still do things for them. You simply do them at your discretion. Bonus points because sooner or later the kids (and possibly your husband) will come to appreciate the times you DO attend and DO participate at a higher level. Because right now it's obvious that they do NOT appreciate you.
It's kind of cliché, but it became that way because it's true: you never appreciate something until it's gone!
It's eerie sometimes how you put words to how I've been feeling... Queen Accommdator, right here, also realizing the need to set limits (and not feel guilty) for the sake of my sanity.
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