The Work

Well,it is Fat Tuesday, and according to Pennsylvania German tradition, today is the day that Jesus wants you to eat doughnuts. Other cultures are throwing wild parties, with music and costumes and dancing. Here, you get a doughnut. Dude, the Pa Dutch are so lame. I said it. It's my blog. I can do what I want. .

Thank you, Cartman. You understand me.

Let's see, what's going on with my life? I've been painting a lot. This Angel that is posing as my friend, Lindsay, gave me a whole car load of art supplies that she didn't want any more, so I've got canvas, canvas, canvas, and I've torn up the whole dining room with paint and canvas all over the place. I painted this, which is now my second favorite painting of all time, and I sold it, bam! Super lightening speed!

Carp Diem

I showed it to babysittee, and he was like,"People buy that? What? What even is that? It looks like ripped up butterflies. Is it eels? You know that eels can kill you. It looks like eels." He keeps me grounded.

I am feeling VERY VERY well, (most humble gratitude), even though I am super heavy right now. It is amazing that I can be this fat and feel this healthy. I almost feel like I don't have Hashimoto's, and the last time I took blood tests, everything was very well in line. I feel interested in doing things for the first time in maybe 15 years, (blessing blessing gratitude gratitude) and I deduce from this that I have done a lot of healing in the physical brain (as opposed to the conceptual mind). I have ten paintings to paint, and pears to sell, and art classes to teach, and dogs to walk, and kids to drive places, and hikes to hike, and things in the house to fix...suddenly, I want to learn about money. I want to learn about tools. I want to buy things...when before I couldn't dredge up an interest in anything at all. ANYTHING. AT ALL. I wanted to sit. and wait. for death. I really have learned A TON about life from being so sick. I can see why people can say life experiences can be "gifts", although it's a pretty shitty thing to say to a person experiencing adversity.

I feel rather guilty about not going back to work full time. Expenses just seem to bang us on the head all day and all night. The cars...don't get me started. But then I think about how bad I was at working, and how many times I was fired, and how I never really thought I would grow up to "not be able to hold a job." Me? I was a smart, good kid, in the smart classes, went to a good college...what do you possibly mean?! Yup. It can even happen to the smart, good kid...my brain... Adulthood has given me the opportunity to fuck up in such a plethora of new and surprising ways. So, I'm painting, I'm selling handpainted shoes, I'm babysitting, I have an art class, and I sell pears part-time. I do work. I do make money, but not in a traditional way.

I wonder if my struggles would be less or more if I went back to being an employee. Would I have the finances more under control? Would I enjoy my days? Would my mental and physical health be preserved? Would my girls be more proud of me?



love and light,
your friend,
Hil