A Different Caterpillar

I feel like an entirely new, different person. I have changed in my soul, from a caterpillar to...a different caterpillar! The post traumatic stress that has tortured me since age 16, about, are gone. I'm writing it down...I was afraid to say it, but really...GONE. I DO NOT FEEL AGONY IN MY CHEST, I DO NOT FEEL DEPRESSED, I DO NOT FEEL SAD. What the fuck happened? It is a miracle. A GOD DAMNED MIRACLE!!!! A dance-in-the-street-screaming-crying M.I.R.A.C.L.E.!!!!!

I feel like I'm bragging when I talk about how happy I feel. FUCKING. HAPPY...that's how I feel. My family are giving me that slow blink all the time...a look of disbelief, because they have never seen me happy. I mean, in ten years, was I ever happy apart from on my honeymoon? I wake up cheerful. I go about my day with energy and a smile. I sing! When my mind wanders, instead of painful memories, or crippling worries, I drift into a list of gratitudes. I know, it is nauseating to read about another person's bliss. I just can't believe the difference of how the inside of my head is working...from a violent, post-apocolyptic Frank Miller reality, to like...My Little Pony world.

I'm unmedicated. I'm going easier on the gluten and the sugar, but not cold-turkey. When I start to feel shitty, I drink tumeric in water, and/or tart cherry juice for their anti-inflammatory properties, and I rest. What changed, really, is a belief that the world is my toybox. That everything I need is doable and available. That I know that I have something to give to people and situations. That everything is my friend. I don't think that I could have forced that belief earlier, but it is here now.

I used to feel like everything existed apart from me, and I made no difference. I don't think I knew that was my belief, but I know in hindsight now. I felt separated and like I had nothing to add. Now I want to paint, and I want to teach my art classes, and I want to go to things, and I want to feel good feelings! Metaphysically, I am really IN the belief that I am everything and everything is me...and it is making me high.

We are not separate. Everything exists only in our observation. Without an observer, there is no reality. That means, really, everything is mine. Suddenly, I really feel like everything is mine. Really...what is it? My happiness, maybe, comes from a sudden belief in the kindness of the reality of my own creation. That if this happens, or that happens, both would be great. I am in a constant state, right now, of...if this happens, or that happens, both would be great. If I live, or I die, both would be great. If I win, or if I lose, both would be great. If we are rich, or we are poor, both would be great. If Nevie is the world's leading forensic scientist with 87 degrees, or drops out, both would be great...because of that belief in the fundamental kindness of life.

Yeah, spiritual gobbledy gook, right? Sequoia went to her band championship, and won first place, because that is the way things are going right now, and Nevie came home for the weekend because she is stressed about school. I brought her around the dear, poor Skook, and we went to the Laundromat. I had to wash my comforter in a big washer, even though we have a small washer at home. Next to the laundromat is a Goodwill, and Nevie had a whiz-bang shopping trip and found lots of good stuff for $26. We went to the inexpensive grocery store, Aldi's, too. Just regular, low income stuff..and that reinforced what I THINK is what is making me happy. Yes, you can go get a shit-ton of education and vacation in Fiji, and that's awesome, but you can also live in the Skook and drive a 15 year old car, and go to the laundromat and Goodwill, and be happy. Both would be great. The driven, smart, rich kids at the Academy, or probably ANY academy, are just ON FIRE not to be a failure and end up in a place like The Skook. That FEAR robs them of any kind of life. You are rich, but your life is just one big HAVE TO BE THE BEST HAVE TO BE THE THINNEST HAVE TO BE THE SMARTEST HAVE TO BE THE WINNER...all day. Erry' day. That's slavery, even if you are on vacation on Fiji.

BUT, if you are at the Academy, and enjoying the benefit of being in a beautiful school, with great food, and interesting classes, and fun sports, etc etc...and not in HELL with the pressures, you can have a great time...you can be free. Just as I can live in the Skook, where jobs and education are rare, shop in places for poor people, play with my muddy rescue dogs, and be entirely rich. It comes from your own heart.

Suddenly delighted to be alive,
Love and light,
Your friend,
Hil