5 Year Pin

Let's take a deep breath together. Ahhhhh. It is summer here in Rednecktopia, and although I had to drive to work behind a lifted truck with a confederidiot flag on the back, it is still GORGEOUS here. Green luscious life is blooming, giving, growing, and I live in a backpacking vacation destination. Summer here is so good.

Bob applied for a position that we all thought was going to be perfect and life changing, and then narrowly missed out on being hired at the last second. On the way home from the interview, someone hit his truck and damaged it considerably. I can understand totally why they went with another candidate, they were very gracious about it, but I don't understand why, cosmically, we would be presented with this AMAZING, TAILOR-MADE situation, only to be kicked in the balls, and actually WORSE off than if we had never applied. Don't get it. Does not compute. Is the lesson keep your head down and shut up? Don't write shit in my comments like,"Of course not! You tried and that is great!" because I don't want to hear it right now. No cheering up, please.

Maybe what I need to take away from this is to stop trying to escape my life, to get a new piece of paper and start clean. I am always trying to make up for the suck of ten years ago. Nevie is mad that I made her move so often, but we went from a tiny one bedroom apartment to a two bedroom apartment to renting a dilapidated house to owning a regular, three bedroom house. I'm always trying to make it better. I'm always trying to hustle. I've never been able to just roll into work, collect a secure check, and be at ease...enough money and peace of mind. NEVER.

Bob got a pin and a handshake for five years of work at the Orchard. Couldn't they slide a $25 gift certificate, or something? I know the parent corporation has a box of those pins in a closet in the human resources department somewhere, that they bought in 1974 and are still dipping into, but the parent corporation does not know what it is like to live on the wages that they pay. And when we try to do better....ugh.

Whatever.

Fuck your pin.

I've got tons of good stuff, a good marriage, a good family, a good house and good cars when they aren't totalled. I am capable, healthy and compassionate.  I guess I hold a false belief that I AM going to have that regular-check, middle-class-comfort kind of situation that both of our parents enjoyed, and not be always robbing Peter to pay Paul. The kind of situation where one can NOT get their furniture off of Craigslist, or the kind of situation where one can PLAN A FAMILY VACATION (just a car one, not a plane one).

I escaped a sociopath who wanted to take my children.

I beat suicidal depression.

I raised two girls who are capable, healthy and compassionate, AND politically left-leaning.

I've maintained my relationship for over ten years.

I (with a ton of help from family, okay, mostly family but a little bit me) moved us up from a one bedroom apartment to a three bedroom house.

Maybe my next task is to get money straightened out. Was trying to do that. Didn't work out how I liked this time. Will keep trying.

Love and light,
Your friend,
Hil