Just Weather

I have been chugging along on the deliriously happy train, and then SMACK! A derailment, train cars strewn all over the landscape, smoke and screaming! I guess I am figuring out that my emotions don't really belong to me, or make much sense at all, they are just weather. Sometimes I'm sunny and sometimes I feel so uncomfortable in my clothes, my hair, my skin, and all I want is to sleep...a fucking blizzard of negativity. Nightmares, again. I get a thought like,"God, I am so tired of being me," and it repeats, repeats, repeats. I don't know what happened? Am I physically sick? Is it hashimotos? Is it burn out? Is it fear? Is it thyroid or hormones? Really, am I a person or a sack of chemicals causing me to act like an idiot? I have whiplash from the ridiculousness of my emotional states. I fantasize about how to get out of everything that I am supposed to do. I want to stay home.

My beloved by our campfire

I'm leaning towards maybe burn out. I have been keeping SO much in my brain. I still have a fricking awesome life and I am generally happy, I just have a wire loose or something...#noshit. The art festival was pretty great, and on Sunday, Bob and I had our first campfire. I stayed in a chair by the fire for five hours, I was so perfectly content, but that also made me think maybe something was up, because one should probably move a little. I guess it doesn't need to be analyzed, because the point is, I have no control. It is just weather, coming in and moving out. 

My nightmare was about electroshock therapy, if you want to know how warm-fuzzy my subconscious is. Also weather, coming in and moving out. 

Not permanent. Not a reflection of actual shittiness in my life. 

My body hurts. I feel tired. 

Love and light,

Your friend,

Hil